Attraction

I wasn’t that interested in her. I wasn’t that attracted to her.
But she asked me out and it felt good to be wanted, so I
said yes. I settled.There was another girl that I really liked. I
remember sitting next to her on the first day of school and
feeling nervous because she was so pretty. I was lucky that
the first thing we were asked to do was to talk to the person
next to us, otherwise I don’t know if I ever would’ve talked to
her.
I daydreamed about being with her, and being able to hug
her, and being able to kiss her, but I never did anything
about it. Well, I guess I hinted. And I hear girls like guys that
only hint and are never direct, so I’m not sure why she didn’t
respond appropriately to that. Weird .
I hinted because I was worried that she’d reject me. I was
sure she would. Of course she would. She could have any
guy in our year. Why would she have chosen me?
So, she wasn’t the girl I said yes to.
But she did find out that I’d said yes to the other girl. She
found out the same day I’d said yes. And she texted me that
evening to tell me that someone else liked me too.
Her.
She liked me.
My heart dropped. I shook my head. I was angry.
I thought, “Why didn’t she just tell me?”
***
I went out with a girl recently and we got on well and I
wanted to go out with her again.
She didn’t seem like she wanted to go out with me again.
She said she did. But there were all sorts of excuses as to
why she couldn’t meet and there was no effort from her in
suggesting other times or other places.
It pissed me off. It got me down.
I was pissed off because why was she making excuses?
It got me down because she didn’t seem to want to see me
again.
***
Do you know what I learned from that first
example? From settling for a girl I didn’t want?
From finding out the girl I wanted actually wanted
me?
Nothing .
I went out with the girl I wasn’t that interested in for a few
months, and the girl who I really liked went out with
someone else. I never got to go out with her.
That happened to me so many times.
It happened some more times at school, it happened at
college, it happened at university, it happened at work, it
happened outside of work. It was like a routine.
And it hurt every time. It never got any easier. But instead
of deciding I’d had enough pain, I kept reliving it.
I laugh and shake my head now when I look back on all
these countless moments of pain. But I wasn’t laughing at
the time. I was shaking my head and wondering what the
f*ck I was doing.
I always thought “this time, it’ll be different.” But it never
was. It was always me refusing to tell her how I felt and
then watching her lose interest.
I just couldn’t seem to let go of the thought of how much it
would hurt to be rejected. To completely and utterly and
totally lose my chance at being with her. I’d decided the
pain of indecision would be less than the pain of rejection,
and I never dared to put that belief to the test.
***
Do you know what I learned from that second time? From
the girl who kept making excuses?
I learned that the pain of indecision is much bigger
than the pain of rejection.
I asked her out again and she made excuses. That means
she said no.
I could’ve not listened to her. I could’ve chosen to hold onto
whatever chance I thought I had with her. I could’ve put
even more effort and energy and time in.
But for what? To go out with someone who was making
excuses not to go out with me? For her to settle for me?
I did like her and I had wanted to see her again but I
decided I’d had enough of not being enough for her.
I let her go.
And it was uncomfortable. And it did hurt. And it wasn’t the
easiest thing I’ve ever done.
But it was so much easier than being indecisive and refusing
to even ask someone out and then desperately holding onto
my chance even when I knew it was gone forever.
***
The first time I learned nothing, because all I did was blame
myself. I never thought about what I could learn from what I
was doing. I never thought about doing anything
differently. I never accepted that all these girls I liked ended
up going out with someone else because I’d chosen to keep
my feelings for them to myself. But the second time I
learned something because I took responsibility. I asked her
out again, and she made excuses, and that’s when I told
myself that I can either keep asking her out, or I can let her
go. I told myself that I could accept being rejected, or I
could hold onto some imaginary chance. I accepted being
rejected and learned that after pain comes relief. And that
was a relief. That’s the difference between blaming yourself
and taking responsibility.